Dating ... In Secret

So... I have been dating... in secret.  Ever since I decided it was time for me to begin meeting new people, I have found myself being secretive.  Of course, I know that not everyone needs to know my business, but as I think back on this first year and a half of dating, I have not been honest with myself.  I have not been honest with my friends and family and as such I have not been open and authentically myself.  

My first date after Matt passed was actually with a long lost friend.  He lives out of state and happened to post a picture on Facebook of himself hunting a few hours South of me.  A quick comment on a photo led to a flurry of messages and phone calls.  I remember exactly where I was on that first phone call.  The first time I heard his voice in twenty-six years his deep Southern drawl unearthed a faint memory I had buried somewhere in my brain.  But what really caught me off guard was that he called me Allie.  Subsequently, every person I have gone on a date with since has called me Allie (their decision, not me asking), a name that I use as my Instagram handle, but not one that anyone EVER called me other than Matt, and a name that I would never introduce myself by.  

I remember saying, you called me Allie!  And he said, Allie, I have always called you that - don't you remember?  Actually, I didn't.  But the sound of it, it felt so comforting.  Safe.  Intimate.  Being called the name only spoken by my husband felt familiar and comfortable.  

We decided to meet halfway between our homes.  On the way to see him, my brain was getting ahead of myself.  Could this be the start of a long distance relationship? You see, this friend lived on a ranch.  And not just a ranch.  But a ranch with over tens of thousands of acres of livestock and land.  Images of me having weekends of a Yellowstone life filled my head as I drove further and further South.  

Thankfully, after a few butterflies, we picked back up like time hadn't really passed and our time together was easy.  Thinking back however, I was still wearing my wedding ring.  I was nervous to admit to my family, especially to Matt's family, that I was going to have a meal with a man other than him.  I was worried about the perception of if I had waited long enough to start thinking about dating.  I was scared that people would assume I was "over" Matt.

Of course, even though our date was overall a good one, once I got home the wheels began to fall off.  The secret of talking to someone new weighed on me.  I felt like I couldn't be honest with my kids - would they think I had moved on from Dad?  Would they understand me talking to someone else?  I found myself getting anxious and teary and irritable.  Things fizzled out quickly.  

I started talking to someone a few months later and at that time, I had my first date in Topeka.  We went to a restaurant close to my house and as we pulled up I saw my grandma's car.  We can't go here!, I remember saying. You see, grandma is about the biggest Kansas State fan around, so you know her car when you see it - her KSU tag has a super low number.  I wasn't ready to see her - hell, I wasn't ready to see any member of my family with another man.  We pivoted and went to another location, where of course we were seated next to a couple I know.  I remember trying to not make eye contact - what would people think?  

There was the man that had me saved in his phone under only an emoji - I know now it was because he didn't tell me he was married.  Now I was someone else's secret.  Hmm, come to think of it, this must be why he didn't want me to tell his sibling, that I knew, that we were meeting.  Hey folks, learning as I go!

There have been men that have crept into my inbox, message for a while and then ghost off, leaving me wondering why they ever wanted to message me in the first place, but also too embarrassed to tell my friends. Dates made that never happen.  Honestly, two of my dates I met online and both of them I felt guilty about blowing them off so I went ahead with the dates.  My journal after one of the dates.  "Meh.  I felt obligated to meet.  Why don't I stand up for myself and not be such a people pleaser?" And there it was - my people pleaser secret.  

I have hung on to people for longer than I needed to because honestly, after having lost a spouse, especially one that didn't have a tongue for the last eight months of his life, having someone to share my day with, to talk with on the phone, felt so good.  It felt normal. Deep down, I knew these men had no intentions of ever wanting to date me, and in some cases I never had intentions of dating them.  I knew I deserved better.  But the comfort and the communication....  

At some point, the secret came out.  My secret.  The one I was keeping from myself. I am uncomfortable being alone. I am searching for someone that will fill the hole left in my soul. And because of my very real fear of being alone I was making decisions to go on dates and meet people that I knew deep down I didn't align with. If I did, I would be telling people about them, when the time was right of course. I was trying to fool myself.  Recognizing this secret has really opened my eyes to not rushing anything.  Take time to keep finding myself and to heal old wounds.  There is no timeline to when is the right time, and I can't compare my journey to anyone else's.

My deep fear of caring what others think of me was also coming to light. And yes, I know not everyone needs to know what I am up to, but I do want to be me.  A me that is spending time, at my right time in life, with people that align with my values, will challenge me and encourage me to keep healing, keep growing.  A me, that isn't afraid of what people may think if I walk into a coffee shop or bar with a man.  A me that deserves the best and a me that refuses to be scared anymore.  Of being alone.  Of what others think.  And I think by realizing and facing my big secrets, I was reminded of one of the biggest one of life's - Just be true to yourself.