The Daring Widow

So... I have been dating... in secret.  Ever since I decided it was time for me to begin meeting new people, I have found myself being secretive.  Of course, I know that not everyone needs to know my business, but as I think back on this first year and a half of dating, I have not been honest with myself.  I have not been honest with my friends and family and as such I have not been open and authentically myself.   My first date after Matt passed was actually with a long lost friend.  He lives out of state and happened to post a picture on Facebook of himself hunting a few hours South of me.  A quick comment on a photo led to a flurry of messages and phone calls.  I remember exactly where I was on that first phone call.  The first time I heard his voice in twenty-six years his deep Southern drawl unearthed a faint memory I had buried somewhere in my brain.  But what really caught me off guard was that he called me Allie.  Subsequently, e...

As I have mentioned previously, one of Matt's lasting gifts to me was the gift of peace.  He was such a thoughtful, kind, thorough husband and human being and, as such, he truly did have nearly everything done before he left this Earth.   We had the funeral plots selected, the type of burial service chosen, knew all the pallbearers- if it was to be done, Matt and I had talked about it and made decisions.   However, as a man who's last few texts to me before passing included information on our taxes, you know he would have most definitely left me a list of things to follow up on after his death.  I did not find this controlling or demeaning, rather the opposite.  To me, this list of to-dos brought me comfort.  Pay taxes - check.  Call the Social Security office - check.  Follow up on his student loan - check.  One by one, every last box on his list was checked off.   There was, however, one "to-do" that was only spoken amongst a few ...

I have often wished there was a grief timeline.  I am very much a visual person.  I love to have lists and still use an old school planner.  I have wished for this timeline, a specific date on the calendar, not because I want to get over Matt, but because I just want to know when I will be a bit less fragile, a bit less scatterbrained, a bit less teary over quiet reminders of him I see everyday.  If you know me, you know I am my own worst critic.  I tend to hold myself to a standard I would not hold for anyone else. It’s the way I am wired, and as I have grown older I am very much aware and working to be a bit nicer to myself.  I often tend to equate my fragility as weakness and I know I am not weak.   I’m a bad ass. I have changed tracheotomy tubes and drained chest catheters without formal training. I have flown my kids by myself halfway around the world for a spring break trip.  I’ve managed to keep my life and my kids’ lives going despite the ...

When you have a situation that deeply tests your faith, how do you respond?   Praying? Getting angry with God and asking why me?  Turning to any other distraction to ignore the situation at hand?  Or do you have to look at the big picture and find hope and peace in the signs around you?   I was raised in the Episcopal church.  We went every Sunday, faithfully.  I went to church camp and weekend religious retreats, went to youth group and Sunday school, served as an acolyte.  After college, my first job was a full time camp counselor at an Episcopal camp in Maryland.  I spent two summers there.  I felt very strong in my faith and relationship with God.   Matt was raised Catholic.  I know he was not involved in church activities to the extent that I was, however our two backgrounds religiously meshed well.  He was received into the Episcopal church and we felt it important to baptize our kids in my childhood church. Once Matt ...

You wouldn’t think that you can find gifts in the midst of grief and sadness.    Of course, you get the immediate gift of community and loved ones supporting you in prayer, errands, food, flowers, books, donations in your loved one's name.  Soon though, lives go back to "normal" and that support or gift may not be felt as it was after your person passes.  I have been given two gifts from Matt since he died.   One is intangible and has been his legacy gift to me. The other is a tangible gift that still gives me chills when I think about it.   Having had cancer as long as Matt did, we had so many opportunities to have all the difficult conversations.  Finances, college for the kids, last wishes, fears, hopes, worries.  If you knew Matt you knew that he was very thorough, thoughtful, and saw things through until the end.  And because of all of those traits, it absolutely made sense that he would want to make sure his gift to me and the children ...

The Daring Widow My reflections on starting over again…  Hi friends.  I’m Allison, a single mom and with the partnership of my best friend, a small business owner.  I lost my husband and best friend, Matt, on June 6, 2022. He was 45 and me 44 with two teenagers, a son and daughter.  Matt had fought cancer for eight very long years and I was always by his side, as a wife, caregiver and best friend.  “In sickness and health, until death do us part”  Here I was living "In sickness and health, until death do us part" way sooner than ever expected.   Before Matt passed, he and I slowly came to terms with the realization that we would not be together forever, and we began to talk in depth about our future.  As a physician, I think he knew and very much believed that his time on Earth would be shorter than anyone ever thinks.  He only spoke the fears and facts to me, as we lay in bed side by side talking each night.  He simply knew too much abo...