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I thought I had already hit bottom?

 It has been a minute since I have honestly had the time to sit down and write a new post.  My last post had found us back from Spring Break, and me feeling light and happy, even joyous. But all of those feelings were undone simply by receiving a letter in the mail. 

I will be the first to admit that going on dates again ... twenty some years after your last one has been a lesson in how things have changed.  I never felt the need to tell my friends where I was going, share my location, or fear having someone pick me up at my house in 2000.  I am, by nature, a trusting person, so to now be in a dating space in 2025, I have to remember that times have changed.  I now have kids to protect as well as myself.  

So imagine my surprise when I received a letter in March from a man I saw twice in February.  It was my fault that he had my address- I felt safe in having him pick me up for our first date.  But in hindsight, that was an error in my judgement.  The letter included not only his feelings for me, but also said something about time being precious and then... he mentioned Matt watching me and my beautiful kids.  

And there it was.  All of my peace and joy undone in a matter of a few words.  His letter reminded me that if Matt was here... quite frankly I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit.  Being a single mom.  Worrying about running a household alone.  Dating again.  Feeling unsafe in my home because a date did know my address.  Fears of not having someone to share my day to day life with. Being an empty nester and living alone at not even 50. All of it.  

The letter brought me not only tears but pure anger.  Pure anger never at Matt becoming sick and leaving me, the kids and all of us too soon, but simply that this isn't fair.  None of it.  It was a part of my grief journey I hadn't been on yet - I thought I was out of the woods.  But I was not and am not, and that is okay.  

I felt physically sick and for two weeks I did not do much more than get up and workout, get the kids out the door for school and spend the rest of day quietly reading or napping.  My body never has wanted to sleep as much as it did for two weeks.  I have been on autopilot and survival mode for years and thought I was past that... but the letter and the emotions it brought up proved to me otherwise.  

I am thankful for the letter honestly. I burned it immediately so I can't go back to revisit the words, but in a roundabout way, I think it allowed me to shed emotions I hadn't yet. It has allowed me to be more gentle with myself, kind with myself.  It reminded me that I have to nurture myself, take care of myself fully, physically and mentally, so that I can be strong and keep going.  And also give myself the grace to let myself cry and rest for a day or two if that is what I need.  

So life since the letter and me allowing myself to just deeply, deeply, deeply grieve? Well... I have a high school graduate and we are planning to send him off to college in a few weeks.  My sister visited for nearly two weeks and it was a dream to spend that much time with her.  The third anniversary of Matt's passing and my 21st wedding anniversary came and went. I am trying to revisit 2024 resolutions- training for a half marathon and learning to play golf. I am leaning into being with my friends as much as I can and staying busy. There have been concerts, and dance recitals and competitions, and college orientation and tours. Pool days and walks with friends. 

I think the biggest thing I have learned in this latest process of my journey is I can now fully and truly say... and believe with my full heart and soul that no matter what life brings my way I am going to be okay.  I am comfortable with being alone if this is it, and learning to really enjoy the freedom and bad-ass-ness in saying I've got this and can do it myself. I have never felt more independent and that is really empowering!  And yet, at the same time, I am comfortable in having an open heart and seeing what (and who) life has in store for me.  

I still haven't seen Matt in my dreams... but since the letter his spirit is near me now more than ever.  All the cardinals.  All the signs....I've got this, Mattie. 

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