The Gift

You wouldn’t think that you can find gifts in the midst of grief and sadness.  

Of course, you get the immediate gift of community and loved ones supporting you in prayer, errands, food, flowers, books, donations in your loved one's name.  Soon though, lives go back to "normal" and that support or gift may not be felt as it was after your person passes. 

I have been given two gifts from Matt since he died.   One is intangible and has been his legacy gift to me. The other is a tangible gift that still gives me chills when I think about it.  

Having had cancer as long as Matt did, we had so many opportunities to have all the difficult conversations.  Finances, college for the kids, last wishes, fears, hopes, worries.  If you knew Matt you knew that he was very thorough, thoughtful, and saw things through until the end.  And because of all of those traits, it absolutely made sense that he would want to make sure his gift to me and the children was peace.  Arrangements were made, plans in place.  His wish was to make the transition to a life without him as easy as he could.

We went to the funeral home and bought plots, bought a casket for him, and even made funeral arrangements. We drew up a will and created a trust.  He went through all our accounts and made sure I was a beneficiary to everything.  He was slowly and methodically checking off the to-do’s on a list in his head.  

Matt loved driving smaller cars.  He had bought his last car with the intention of passing it on to Cooper, our son.   It was a red Alfa Romeo Guilia.  Sporty and fast and what teenager would not want it?  Well, we had the one!  To Cooper, who only wears subdued colors and likes to remain behind the scenes, a red Italian sports sedan was not on his short list of first cars.  About a month before Matt passed, he woke up one morning.  He had a bit of urgency in his voice - Allie!  My car.  The title is only in my name! He said I need to sell it since Cooper doesn’t want it. I don’t want you to hassle with the title after I die. And in less than 48 hours that car was being hauled off by Carvana.  

I see it all now - the checklist in his head, and the written one he gave to me to complete after he was gone.  It was a gift.  I would encourage you to have the difficult conversations with your partner, or even yourself if you are single - what gift do you want to leave to your parents, your children, your siblings?  Make the difficult arrangements now.  You don’t even have to go to the lengths we did (buying a casket and burial plots) but I would encourage you to write down what you want for yourself after you pass.  Cremation, burial, songs at the funeral, or no funeral at all.  It is all the biggest gift you can give your loved ones in a time of deep sorrow and grief.  Please don’t think you have time - that is something we tell ourselves when the truth is no one ever knows how much time there actually is.  

Around Valentine’s Day 2022, our last one together, Matt asked me what I would like for my present.  He knew that I always had my eye on something - hey, I love to fill imaginary online carts like the rest of us - and, in fact, I did have something completely unnecessary and ridiculous for my lifestyle in mind.  I wanted a pair of party pajamas! To those unaware of what a party pajama is, it is a pair of pajamas you could sleep in, wear to a cocktail party or even get married in.  Sounded like something I definitely should have in my closet. 

I picked out my pair - soft pink with red detachable ostrich feather cuffs.  It was the perfect color combination for Valentine’s Day.  Matt thought I should have them and I was excited to wear them, images in my head of me slinking around the house, sipping martinis. Valentine’s Day came and went and the pajamas did not arrive. We both actually had forgotten about them.  The day to day management of Matt’s pain and health issues had taken precedence over a pair of party pajamas. 

A few weeks later Matt received an e-mail about the pajamas.  They were actually handmade in Ukraine, and since the war began on February 20th, the company had been unable to get orders shipped and products made.  Would we like to choose a different pair of pajamas that were actually in stock in the United States?  I told Matt we would wait.  Pajamas were the least of our worries, and even if we never saw them or the money returned, we would be okay.  Our problems were so much smaller than a war affecting an entire country.  

Matt passed away on June 6th, six days before our 18th wedding anniversary.  On June 8th, with all notifications going to a man that had since left this Earth, a package arrived.  Inside was my Valentine’s Gift.  My pajamas.  The last tangible gift I would ever receive from my best friend.  My heart!  

That Sunday, our anniversary, the day after I bravely stood and greeted all of his friends and family at his visitation, and the day before his funeral, a small group of friends and my sister and brother-in-law gathered for brunch.  I had gotten into watching Formula One and we were going to watch a race and spend quiet moments together before the funeral. I wore my new pajamas and felt so much love that day. From Matt and his special gift. From my friends and family.  

I am still in awe at the gifts he left me.  

Unconditional.  Thoughtful.  Pure Love. 

XO, A