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I've felt lighter recently.  My heart has been happy.  We are finally settled into our home.  Our sick puppy's mysterious ailments have been diagnosed.  Ada, my daughter, and I have been traveling for dance competitions and our family just came back from a week in Mexico.  Hell, I even went on a date.  Life is swirling around us. 

People have told me I am glowing, that I am radiating energy.  This isn't just a really good bronzer, friends.  I actually think that this is me appearing even more clearly from a shroud of grief.  

I see it in my children too.  I recently looked at pictures from our first Spring Break after Matt had passed.  The kids and I flew to the Canary Islands.  We all look pleasant, and I am sure it wasn't the 18 hours of travel, but our eyes are flat and dull... we were going through the motions.  Coping.  Sad.  When I look at my children now, they are laughing and buzzing and even quiet Cooper, my son, has come out of his shell.  They are thriving.  
The kids in the Canary Islands


People may not realize it, but the first time any suspicious "spot" was found on Matt's tongue, I was pregnant with Cooper.  And while it didn't become cancer until the kids were 5 and 7, we all lived with the "C" word until his passing 8 years later.  I worry that the kids don't remember the periods of time when he was healthy and cancer free. Those dashes of time in between diagnosis and re-diagnosis, and then unfortunately re-diagnosis....We often talk about happy times, and I will tell lots of stories and anecdotes so that they remember how kind and funny and generous and loving he was.  An unintended blessing to the tragedy is that I have a very open relationship with my kids.  

Trust. me, I still have my moments of anger, sadness.  I will hear a song and my eyes will get misty.  The changing of the seasons always remind me that we are entering a new one without Matt.  His birthday will be here in a few weeks and I hate that he left us so young.  

There has been one major fear or worry I have had since Matt passed.  The kids will go to college and I will be alone.  I won't even be 50 once Ada leaves for college.  What happens then?  

As we headed for the Cancun airport last week, tired and smiling and sun kissed (or burnt... Matt's pale Swedish/German skin leaving its legacy with another generation) I cried.  No words needed to be spoken.  Cooper reached for me and kept his arm around me as I silently wept.  Graduation is about eight weeks away and one child will move on and flourish, leaving me just one more year with kids under the roof.  
Laughs with the kids in Mexico


I have heard friends joke - Check on your Senior Parents...we are not well!  Now that I am one, I get it.  There is a lot of emotion in knowing that you have a child moving on to a new exciting chapter of life.  But couple that with being a single parent, and by single, I mean... single single.  Widow single.  My life post Matt has been a blur of me just trying to pull us through this fog, to keep moving, keep living, surround my children with everything they need emotionally, physically so we can just get through this transition from a family of four to a family of three.  

I had a heart to heart with a friend recently.  We talked about life being on pause, or life in full motion.  I want a full motion life. But I think in order to have a full motion life, and a life Matt wanted for all of us, I have to keep working on letting go.  

Of course this is easier said than done, but I am trying.  And I think this is why I have felt so much lighter recently.  I have removed people and things from my life that don't bring me peace. Simplifying my life. I just feel like the last weight is the fear of being alone once the kids move on.  

I heard a song this morning that resonated with me.  Resonated with my current fears of the kids moving on.  It is called "Let Things Go" by Caamp.  
        
        Let things go
        You can say goodnight 
        You can set things down 
        You can say goodbye... 
        You can let it roar
        You can let it out 
        You can let things go
        And anything your heart, needs to make you feel better...

So here I am... doing my best to have a full motion life... doing the things I want to do that are best for me and the kids and this can't happen if I waste time worrying about what lies ahead in a few months... a year from now.  I may stumble and I am sure will still have my moments, but I am here and I am ready to do my best to Let Things Go.  



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