Last Sunday I was driving to my grandma's home and the tears just started flowing. Anger, frustration, stress, sadness, pride in handling things with grace... all the emotions were there. I was about to embark on my third home move in the past three years - a move for every year since Matt passed away.
Studies show that losing a spouse, child or very closed loved one is the most stressful thing an adult can experience. That list also includes moving homes and caring for aging parents or grandparents. Unfortunately my high stress list has been getting checked off since June 2022.
The first move was for my mom who had a stroke nearly six months to the day after Matt's death. The kids and I downsized to a smaller home last fall and now my fiercely independent 95 year old grandma needs to be in an environment with 24 hour care.
I won't lie, I have had days when I have asked God "Why? Truly, I have shown you I can handle hard things. You don't need to keep throwing them my way - this isn't fair." But wallowing in self pity isn't going to make things better, so I have been trying to focus on the positive and the lessons I am learning through each move.
One thing that I don't think people really talk about is being part of the Sandwich Generation - the generation of adults that are still raising children, but also taking care of their own aging parents. I have learned that I am actually classified as a Club Sandwich - kids and parents and grandparents. I often feel guilt - feeling torn between caregiving and simply wanting someone to care for me and my emotional needs for once. But this time has also allowed me to slow down and spend more time with my family, things I didn't do as often when the kids were younger or Matt was very sick.
This experience has taught me so many valuable lessons and advice I would share with anyone. Matt and I had plenty of deep conversations about how life would look without him, the pieces of the big picture that were put in place for the kids and my futures. But I had not ever had those conversations with my own mom (who is an only child) until after she had had her stroke. I didn't know about her retirement or her long term care or even who to contact. Did she have a will? So many important decisions were made day by day, without having a true plan in place.
After mom settled into assisted living (and she is thriving there, much to our delight), my sister and I started working on trying to get grandma on board to give us details on her finances, power of attorney and her will. Grandma was still driving and living on her own until a few weeks ago, so this process has been slower, but we were made her power of attorney this summer, allowing us to make the best decisions we can for her should she not be able to.
If you find yourself in the Sandwich Generation there are things I would encourage anyone to think about...
-How will the division of power look between you and your siblings? For me, I am in town with the family and have self designated myself as "Boots on the Ground" while my sister, Elizabeth, who lives in Idaho is the "Paperwork, Form Filler-Outer, and Phone Caller". Do you have siblings that simply wouldn't help out? The goal should always be the best care for the parent or grandparent and whoever is Boots on the Ground needs to have a lot of grace if they feel they are doing all the heavy lifting so to speak. Thankfully, Elizabeth and I have a system in place that works for us and I am incredibly grateful for all of the time she has spent on the phone talking to people about insurance, and assisted living facilities and everything in between.
-Do your loved ones have a will? Power of attorney? Do you know if they have annuities, or life insurance or long term care insurance or safe deposit boxes? Can you easily access the paperwork you need to gain that knowledge? Do they have funeral plans made? Unfortunately, grandma has a filing system that only she knows, so Elizabeth and I have been on a bit of a treasure hunt so to speak but we are figuring it out.
-Set time aside to have the difficult conversations and get it out of the way. Having a plan is having peace. Peace that you are honoring your parents' wishes and peace for the caregiver in knowing that a safety net is in place should you ever need it.
Yesterday I found myself at the Verizon store for three hours. I am not sure if it is me, but transferring data from one phone to another always makes me a little nervous. I mentioned to my sales associate that a year and one day after Matt's passing all of our text messages deleted. I only have one voicemail on my phone from 2017 in which I can hear his voice. I was anxious to see that it had transferred over. The woman sitting next to me apologized for eavesdropping but said she was going to tell her family to make sure that the buttons were all toggled on their phones so that they wouldn't lose each other's text messages.
My phone was ringing with calls from grandma's new facility as I was sitting and waiting, questions about this and that and updates on her getting settled in. I told the woman next to me I had just moved her earlier this week. The woman told me she too, is part of the Sandwich Generation, caring for her elderly father-in-law who still lives on a farm the next county over. We commiserated about making tough decisions and feeling exhausted and all the emotions that come from these situations. It was so nice to talk to someone that was in a similar situation, and to be able to empathize and encourage and cheer someone else on for having to do a tough job. Both of our phones ended up finishing at the same time and as we said good bye, I asked to give her a hug. We embraced as two women that could relate to our current chapter of life and I left the store feeling that for the first time in a long while I can breathe. My people are all safe. The heavy lifting has been done.
I would be remiss if I didn't offer a big huge public thank you to my friends that listen while I cry, cheer me on and encourage me; my amazing realtor that has held my hand through each and every move; my children that are always quick to give a hug and remind me that I am doing a great job; my sister and brother-in-law who are absolutely amazing at providing the best support from miles away and never make me feel alone; my dad, step-mom and in-laws that have helped me in numerous ways through each move and all the days in between.
And to those that find themselves in the Sandwich Generation - I see you. I am cheering you on. Give yourself time to rest. Give yourself grace. You've got this - keep going.
Comments
Post a Comment