The Beauty of Becoming

It has been nearly one month since both of the kids left for college.  

Especially for the last few years, the thought of the kids leaving for school has literally paralyzed me in fear and sadness.  I knew the kids would be ready, but was I?  

There was so much grief and feelings of abandonment, tender bruises I was not ready to deal with.  On the one hand, there was the pride of knowing I have raised two kind, smart, able children on my own for four years, an accomplishment that I always remind myself is truly bad ass. But with them moving out came the reminder that this life is not what I imagined life to be.  

I have told people this before, but there was a moment after we took Matt to the hospice house, and the kids and came home to the quiet, emptiness of our home.  I looked at them and said, "now what?"  

In my mind the past few years, I was waiting for another "now what" as the kids now embarked on their college journey together.  And that moment came... and it passed... and I have come to realize I was fearful of something, of a moment in time, that was actually wrapped in beauty and promise and excitement, not the tears and anguish and anger and fear I had imagined.  

I ran into an old friend at the first Kansas State football game of the season and we talked about empty nesting.  He mused that no one really talks about it - the change, the quiet.  And it is true.  No one talks about, or if they do, it is spoken about in fear and worry and sadness.  All of those emotions and feelings do hold true. But honestly?  After nearly a month of living on my own, I am truly embracing the quiet and stillness of my house. Everything in its place. Everything is clean and tidy.  Most days, the only sound is the snoring of two, spoiled, lazy dogs.  

Dare I say, I love this new chapter of life? In all of that quiet, I have realized that I am in a season of becoming.  Who? I am not sure of yet. But I am excited to meet her.  

I have absolutely loved being a mom, wife, daughter, friend, caregiver...and of course not so much, a widow.  But all of these identities that have occupied massive parts of my identity are evolving. I do believe that now is the season of figuring out who Allison is again.  Just Allison, middle-aged business woman with amazing kids and friends, lucky to still have her parents and an awesome sister and in-laws and two dogs. I smile as I type this because I am really excited to get to know her again.  It is her time to become anything she wants. 

To my friends that also feel like they are in a new season of life or potentially are dreading the empty nest that is awaiting you or retirement or any big change in life... I urge you to reframe how you perceive the change to be.  

I shared a quote on my social media yesterday that rings so true from We the Urban - I am giving myself permission to genuinely enjoy my life, even it it doesn't look how I thought it would. 

Yes, hallelujah!! 

There is so much beauty in becoming. In discovering the people inside us we haven't met yet. In creating the lives of our dreams even if the dream looks completely different from the one once imagined.