Skip to main content

Hello… Is this thing on?

The Daring Widow


My reflections on starting over again… 


Hi friends.  I’m Allison, a single mom and with the partnership of my best friend, a small business owner.  I lost my husband and best friend, Matt, on June 6, 2022. He was 45 and me 44 with two teenagers, a son and daughter.  Matt had fought cancer for eight very long years and I was always by his side, as a wife, caregiver and best friend.  “In sickness and health, until death do us part”  Here I was living "In sickness and health, until death do us part" way sooner than ever expected.  


Before Matt passed, he and I slowly came to terms with the realization that we would not be together forever, and we began to talk in depth about our future.  As a physician, I think he knew and very much believed that his time on Earth would be shorter than anyone ever thinks.  He only spoke the fears and facts to me, as we lay in bed side by side talking each night.  He simply knew too much about his medical odds and the difficulties and challenges that awaited him. 


We would talk about our life “after”. I would beg Matt to fight and hold on for a bit longer.  I really wanted us to make it to our 18th wedding anniversary.  He would smile and hold me close and tell me he believed I deserved all the happiness and that his wish was for me to find it again.  I told him I understood, as I would wish the same for him had our roles been reversed. 


But what a wish for your wife.  Think of it.  It is strange to want your spouse to find another partner and love again.  Especially when we met when we were both 14...The person he went to high school and college with...The person he was in love with a month after our first date; engaged in half a year.  Matt reminded his friends the same he asked of me… make sure she’s okay. 


So I have tried.  A few times. Dating again in your mid-40s is an experience I would not wish upon my worst enemies.  I have had a lot of tears.  I have had some highs and way more lows.  I have had some absolutely terrible dates and memorable stories to share with girlfriends over wine. 


I have learned that my character traits in my relationship with Matt are great indicators of the individual I am.  I am loyal, I am nurturing, I am brave, I have an unconditional heart, I am devoted.  


And in turn, I have learned that 40 something year old women are willing to embrace baldness, pudgy tummies, Hey Dude shoes and total dad bods, (hey- you do you dude!) while men seem to want Cindy Crawford, circa 1994.  I have learned that some men are scared of widows - WHAT? You have your kids FULL TIME?  Yes, dude.  My 16 and 18 year old children that both drive DO in fact live with me full time.  Eye roll. 


One date told me he was shocked to be out with someone that actually loved their spouse.  Dating as a widow is such a sub-category of a terrible genre that it is hard to find people that can relate and empathize.  


So feeling like Carrie Bradshaw and Samantha Jones I do not… but I have learned how to laugh at the ridiculousness of modern age dating… and starting a completely new chapter of life in your mid 40s. I would love to share my experiences with you, both dating again and as a woman literally learning to spackle and snowblow and build her own credit and all the things I have managed to escape experiencing until now. 


As for the dates, all names and important details to each “gentleman” have been changed…. but, let’s be honest- I think I have unfriended or blocked most of these guys so they will never know my stories.


More to follow. 


XO, A

Labels:

Comments

  1. Robin HortonAugust 15, 2024 at 2:41 PM

    I’m so here for this! Proud of you! We could have a podcast to tell these stories!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Allison MalmstromAugust 15, 2024 at 4:25 PM

      I am so proud of you! I hate that we are in a special sisterhood, so to speak, but you being brave and living inspires me. Please know that.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I thought I had already hit bottom?

  It has been a minute since I have honestly had the time to sit down and write a new post.  My last post had found us back from Spring Break, and me feeling light and happy, even joyous. But all of those feelings were undone simply by receiving a letter in the mail.  I will be the first to admit that going on dates again ... twenty some years after your last one has been a lesson in how things have changed.  I never felt the need to tell my friends where I was going, share my location, or fear having someone pick me up at my house in 2000.  I am, by nature, a trusting person, so to now be in a dating space in 2025, I have to remember that times have changed.  I now have kids to protect as well as myself.   So imagine my surprise when I received a letter in March from a man I saw twice in February.  It was my fault that he had my address- I felt safe in having him pick me up for our first date.  But in hindsight, that was an error in my judge...
Post a Comment
Read more
I've felt lighter recently.  My heart has been happy.  We are finally settled into our home.  Our sick puppy's mysterious ailments have been diagnosed.  Ada, my daughter, and I have been traveling for dance competitions and our family just came back from a week in Mexico.  Hell, I even went on a date.  Life is swirling around us.  People have told me I am glowing, that I am radiating energy.  This isn't just a really good bronzer, friends.  I actually think that this is me appearing even more clearly from a shroud of grief.   I see it in my children too.  I recently looked at pictures from our first Spring Break after Matt had passed.  The kids and I flew to the Canary Islands.  We all look pleasant, and I am sure it wasn't the 18 hours of travel, but our eyes are flat and dull... we were going through the motions.  Coping.  Sad.  When I look at my children now, they are laughing and buzzing and even quiet C...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dating ... In Secret

So... I have been dating... in secret.  Ever since I decided it was time for me to begin meeting new people, I have found myself being secretive.  Of course, I know that not everyone needs to know my business, but as I think back on this first year and a half of dating, I have not been honest with myself.  I have not been honest with my friends and family and as such I have not been open and authentically myself.   My first date after Matt passed was actually with a long lost friend.  He lives out of state and happened to post a picture on Facebook of himself hunting a few hours South of me.  A quick comment on a photo led to a flurry of messages and phone calls.  I remember exactly where I was on that first phone call.  The first time I heard his voice in twenty-six years his deep Southern drawl unearthed a faint memory I had buried somewhere in my brain.  But what really caught me off guard was that he called me Allie.  Subsequently, e...
Post a Comment
Read more